On Choosing To Dream Again

“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it” has got to be one of my favorite expressions of all time. 

As a founding (and former) member of the “It Ain’t Nothin’ To Cut That B* Off” Defense Mechanism and Protection Plan, those became some of my last fighting words as relationships closed, whether audibly spoken or not. I had to leave that anthem, which was so thoughtfully written by the philosopher K Camp, behind when I chose to be delivered from the spirit of pettiness. In many ways, I’ve been challenged to rethink the metaphor of the bed too.

You’ve made your bed. You were intentional in the choices that you made.

Now lie in it. Accept the consequences, and resultantly, the way your life has shifted because of it.  

That’s an empowering statement when you’re the one minding your business, drinking your water, and lowkey seeking retribution from a distance. Well, what happens when you’re the one sitting in your bed, lacking, lost, and confused?

The primary function of a bed is to be a place of rest. A place to awaken with fresh energy and perspective. A place to dream. Well, speaking both metaphorically and literally, I go through seasons where my “bed” is a place where my dreams go to die. 

Literally, there are days when I fight to get out of bed, no matter how much I believe my life has a purpose. Metaphorically, there are times when I hyper analyze the choices I’ve made, replaying conversations and life moments on loop, in a way that inhibits me from moving forward in freedom. My bed, a queen-sized, memory foam outfitted, white sheets and throw pillow adorned, safe haven, can be corrupted with thoughts and feelings of disappointment, shame, grief, and doubt, that directly impact my trust, obedience, and willpower to recharge and be filled with inspiration to get up, enter the world, and do all that I know God has set forth for me to do. 

When I need a reminder to zoom out to see the fullness of how I am being covered, the progress I am making, and the blessings set aside for me to walk into, I think about Galatians 6:9. 

“Let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”

Be reminded of the work you’re doing. Remember how far you’ve come. Look at what you’re walking in now and reflect on how it once was a bullet point on a sheet of paper, an image clipped from a magazine and attached to a vision board, or a latent prayer written on the depths of your heart. Rest in knowing that you are doing good. You’re growing. You’re loving others well. You’re influencing the culture. 

For at the proper time, not your timeline, but the proper timeline, you will reap the harvest if you don’t give up. 

Let me encourage you in this. 

You can go from nothing to everything, in God’s timing. His timing is directly correlated with blessings, favor, and goodness and is not limited to whatever you’re waiting on, or the next peak you’re looking to reach. God is faithful enough to get you where you want to go, and he’s intentional enough to lace each season with blessings, lessons, and tools specific to what you’re walking through. 

Do you need help? 

Are you lacking inspiration? 

Is connection and community the desire of your heart? 

Could you use some accountability and direction?

Have you given up on love and companionship?

Is your prayer centered on confirmation and clarity? 

Well good news, you can get your hopes up because it’s here and within reach. Remain alert, and open your eyes to the new strategies, new building blocks, new people and points of view that are within your sphere right now, intentionally, to serve you in this season.

Comparison, guilt, rejection, doubt, and anxiety no longer have the power to disable your ability to cast vision and act on it. The serpent may have bruised your heel, but you’re called to crush his head*, meaning you are going to win despite what you’re going through, what you’ve been through, and what you’re going to go through. 

Reclaim your bed — whether that’s your place and time of rest, or the actions you’ve committed that you feel you have to live with, and choose to dream again.

*Shout out to Sarah Jakes Roberts and The Bruised Heel Society! Also see the story of Adam and Eve in Genesis 3 for more context.

On Progress

When it comes to morning productivity or night productivity, I’ll choose the night each time. I’m a fake - fake morning person. Meaning, the only thing that is guaranteed to get me up and moving before 6 am is church or the adrenaline that comes with calling an Uber to the airport in the wee hours of the morning because it’s time for vacation.

Last week, I unexpectedly had to be out of my apartment much earlier than normal and because I was not going into the office, I chose to use the time to meditate. Half looking for coffee and half looking for WiFi, I settled down on the large stone stairs that make up the outdoor seating area near Brooklyn Academy of Music.

what does self care look like for you?

cultivation of curiosity, stewarding of health, honoring of quality time

Between deep breaths and centering thoughts, I couldn’t take my mind off of a mother and son seated behind me. From first glance, it looked like they too were enjoying the calm clarity of crisp air that comes before the sun takes its turn illuminating the realities that will make up your workday. When I turned around again, I saw that they weren’t actually seated at all, but engaging in quality time, alternating the role of the host into each other’s world. Mommy getting in her cardio while a son lovingly mimics her moves. Son instructing proper posture and poise to drive toy trucks. Both, giving me a peek into the cultivation of curiosity, the stewarding of her health and his, and the foundational love of quality time.

I saw a woman who may have been headed to work, headed to work from home, or headed to continue building her home, yet still intentional in wholly pouring into the life she created.

An intentionality that extends far past the care needed during pregnancy and birth and that will expand and last into the years of adulthood.

Last year I heard an incredible message on what to expect when you’re spiritually expecting. This year, I’m questioning if I’ve over-romanticized the “pregnancy” portion of the creative and/or spiritual process.

Now what I’m not here to do, is to tell you how your purpose pregnancy is going, but what I am saying is you may be further along than you think.

What if we stopped looking at the new job, the dream role, the next product line, or the next event, as the defining moment to get us in line with our purpose, and realized that we’ve already given birth to our purpose — in fact, we’re fine-tuning the balance between honoring our truest selves, our current responsibilities, and listening to the quiet whispers from God on what’s next.

We’re further along than we think.

We’re more connected than we acknowledge. 

We’re able to carry a greater capacity than before.

Unpacking the perceived breakdown of how that woman’s day could be set up, encourages me to go harder on the projects that are waiting in the wings or further back in my purpose project pipeline because they are my babies. I’ve given life to many projects, works, and relationships, and I have the honor of raising them into maturity.

But even in that, I have to honor the space that I’m in now. While I am waiting for large strides and big changes, I can choose to look at this as being in limbo or as a moment to receive, recharge, and be still --- reminiscent of the clarity that I associate calm crisp air before the start of a workday.

How are you progressing in your purpose? What are you learning?

On Bold II: This Is America

BOLD is a celebration. A declaration. A platform to showcase the work of those who have work that deserves to be shared. An atmosphere to dialogue honestly and empathetically. A space to cultivate meaningful connections and foster community.

Images from Bold XXVI shot by Reece T. Williams

BOLD II: This is America was part of the continuation of the intimate concert series curated by Jerrica D White. This show explored individual Black experiences through song, film, and small group discussion on topics ranging from Black popular culture, Black business ownership, mental health awareness in Black Communities, staying uplifted in the midst of reoccurring disappointment, and celebrating and honoring the achievements of Black people each day. 

Event marketing illustrated by Jerrica D White

Writer, director, and poet, Terrance D Daye screened his award winning film, The Colored Hospital. Drew Shade, Founder and Editor in Chief of Broadway Black, sang “Have Faith in Me.” Both men were invited up on a panel to share on their creative process, and unpack their views on art and story telling as a means of healing and protest. 

Many thanks to the incredible Zeuxi De La Cruz for capturing the night through photography. The most gratitude to my amazing chef, Nia Hockaday. Special thanks to Kevin Myers, Kathryn Avery, Krystal Noel, Stephanie Reyes, and Syron Townsend. 

To keep up with Terrance and Drew’s work you can follow them here and here. Zeuxi’s work can be found here. For more images from Bold II click here.

On Why We Ought To Grow In Our Communication

Ps. No, Ghosting Is Not Okay. 

Neo hitting "the matrix" is undoubtedly one of the most recognized visual references of all time.

Never did I think emotionally "falling back" or ghosting would become a phenomenon of the same caliber. 

Ghosting can generally be described as a halt in communication or interaction, between two people in relationship (whether that’s in the beginning stages of dating, a full-blown romantic pairing, or a platonic friendship), and normally occurs when one party has realized they do not agree with the actions, words, or behaviors of the other party. In theory, falling back could be a productive action for your well being; but the fault in this theory is its root in passivity and non-permanence. 

Passivity.

So let’s chat. Say you’ve fallen back, right? If there’s a chance you still allow this person to influence your mood and emotions; and if that influence isn’t positive, then it’s not healthy.

Addressing that you care is the first step to freedom. Admitting this to yourself is often the hardest part. It's okay to be hurt, upset, and in your feelings, but you must decide what your next plan of action is going to be.

To fall back without communication because you're upset, hurt, or even simply ready to move on is not only inconsiderate to the other party but what about your own mental health? If you don't deal with the root of hurt, anger, or sadness now, you will deal with it later. 

Non-permanent. 

There is a difference between falling back and using your words to address a problem and ending a relationship or friendship. The latter requires communication, which allows for the start of whatever form of closure both parties may feel they need. Which, to me, is an act of true strength and consideration.

Temporarily falling back welcomes communication whenever one party feels strong enough to reach out to the other. This pick up in communication sets the precedent that communication and in some cases, whatever other activities that were previously fallen back from, are acceptable. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail and similarly, if you fail to communicate, you plan to fall for anything. Everyone copes differently. But for most, bobbling back and forth out of the life of another person can cause pain if the problem was never solved in the first place. 

Since Feeling Is First.

I’m not saying every situation needs an extended car ride to the tune of Drake. Or that every crush warrants an ice cream buffet. But "since feeling is first"*; feel. Don't get caught up in how you think you're supposed to feel, just feel. It’s easy to ignore your emotions and actions and barricade yourself with apathy. Which is the easy way out. Feel. Sort your emotions out. Forgive. And then move on with a purpose.

"For life's not a paragraph"* -- it is not constrained to perfect syntax, grammar, and punctuation; so it certainly won't always go as planned. "And death, I think is no parenthesis"*--you have one precious and wild life to live. So enjoy it. 

Easier said than done, but the healing that is about to come is worth it.

*quotes from "since feeling is first" by the great e.e. cummings 

On When The Spiral Down Feels As Good As The Flight

LEARNING TO MODIFY HOW WE PROCESS OUR FEELINGS: FROM THE LENS OF SOLELY SZA TO PRIMARILY PSALMS.

Spoiler Alert: I love Sza*, but we're not actually called to set up camp in our feelings and as for me and my house, I stay in my bag listening to Sza… soooooooo 

In the words of the great 21st-century poet, Aubrey Graham, I feel good, sometimes I don’t. That’s right. I said it. The same woman who is calling you into Unshakeable Joy just admitted that no, not all of life is peaches and berries. And it’s true. 

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Unshakeable joy doesn’t mean you don’t encounter and experience rejection, hurt, shame, or guilt. Unshakeable joy is about knowing and believing that the love of God is greater than your rejection, hurt, shame, or guilt. Knowing that His love is actually enough. Knowing we were given emotions to yes, feel, but we aren’t actually called to set up camp, decorate and renovate the walls in our pit of despair. 

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I believe the world is a better place because of the stories we tell, and storytelling through song is especially powerful. Words are layered with pitch, repetition, chords, rhythm, and texture. Through song, complexities can be made simple and clear. Ideas can be spread to bring harmony and understanding. And then there’s dissonance — intentional tension or irregularity — to create and portray a specific mood.

I think we like the dissonance that lives outside of the context of a composition or song.

We enjoy sitting in spaces of emotional tension that need to be resolved, but we revel in taking a moment to play against the forward motion that’s necessary to progress into the next scenes and seasons in our life.

Well if I just had… 

Or if he would have … 

But she/he has …

We can put our hope in how well we can analyze the cards we’ve been dealt in life or we can put our hope in God. Similarly, we can change up the soundtrack of our hearts and minds when we feel ourselves leaning into comparison, insecurity, self-doubt, guilt, shame, or unworthiness.

I get it. Sometimes the spiral down feels as good as the flight.

Sometimes picking apart famous last words and irrational behavior is just as time-consuming and in turn, must be as fulfilling, as when things in that aspect of your world are clear, sunny, and with a high of 200 (IG likes, not Fahrenheit, of course). Sometimes, it’s fun to find subtweets and solidarity in Sza, comfort in Cardi, or declarations in Drake.

But like dissonance, throwing ourselves a pity party with a poppin’ playlist isn’t the solution. It may feel good in the moment, but it’s still a half step away from harmony. A half step away from the source of our hope. Don’t get comfortable in the dissonance. We have to believe and act as if harmony around the corner. I’m here to tell you, the encouragement you’re looking for comes from the word.

Ultimately, the prioritization of what you feed your soul is what you will believe about yourself. The music we listen to and replay become banners over our life. What we believe about our future or lack thereof in certain areas. So keep the playlist of your life current (conversations with friends, inner thoughts, etc). The more people who know what you are proclaiming and believe over your life, the less opportunity for you to believe and accept content that is contrary to who you are.

I love Psalms 40: 1-3, which if I paraphrase is, I waited patiently on the Lord, he heard the cries of my heart, he saw me doing life in the way I thought was best. He saw me in my deepest darkest place, and came along and set my feet on solid ground. He has given me a new song— a new outlook on life. Because of this, my life is changed and so are the others around me. 

The songs you listen to, conversations you carry, and thoughts you think don’t have to be the same songs, words, or thoughts as last year, last month, or even yesterday.

You’re free.

I’m thankful for a new song, a new perspective, and a new declaration over my life. Today I choose to declare joy and victory over our lives.

What are you declaring?

*Substitute Sza with any artist or substance you seek first when your spirit is tired, your heart is broken, or you’re otherwise weary of the ways of the world.

On Why Saying “No” Doesn’t Make You Terrible: The 3 Part Defense of Selfishness

I’m learning the power of “No.” Maybe you should too.

If you're anything like me—in your twenties and in constant pursuit of a purpose driven life, then it's probably in your best interest to be a tad selfish, and I'm going to defend your selfishness.

Now don't get me wrong— I'm not advocating inconsideration, overt disrespect, dishonesty, nor disloyalty. I believe in WWJD (yes, what would Jesus do), the golden rule, positivity, good vibes, self-reflection, and bottomless mimosas via Saturday Brunch; but the one thing I feel we often leave out of our lives is the genuine pursuit of unshakeable joy. And that pursuit takes time. Selfish alone time.

Unshakeable joy is marked by an undeniable and indisputable love, reverence, and understanding of yourself. Followed closely by selflessly caring and putting others before yourself, honestly walking in your faith and/or moral code, and allowing little to no deliberate interferences with your happiness.

Jerrica in Miami, Florida March 2018. The very act of taking this vacation caused me to write this post. Why do we think we're not worthy of time off? Able to say no? Worth the wait?

I know many of us are still trying to start our Year of Yes (thank you, Shonda, girl!), but perhaps this needs to be a Year of learning the power of No.

So why do we feel so terrible saying no? No to meetings when we know we’ve scheduled zero personal time. No to phone calls that interfere with/ or run past our business hours. No to dates with people we have no business entertaining. No to friendships and relationships that we know we can’t steward well based on our current emotional status.

Is it that our fear of saying no is rooted in expectations?

Luckily, you control other people's expectations through communication and actions. Be honest and be true. Maybe saying yes isn't in your cards for today, tomorrow, or this season. And here's a couple reasons I'm willing to stand behind:

1) you're finding yourself

2) you're focusing on bettering yourself

3) you're focusing on your future

Finding yourself.

Our individual truth cannot be unearthed if we don't take the time to dig into our past experiences. (Pro tip: invite God into this.) We can't be in a position to say yes if we don't take the time to develop, heal, reflect, process, and outgrow the impression others have inflicted upon us. Conversely, we can't say yes until we've forgiven ourselves for the stress we may have put others through.

Invest in yourself. Dig deep into what you want out of life. What are you passionate about and why? What are your core beliefs? What is your mission statement for your life and how are your actions pointing back to it? You've got to be selfish.

Instead of letting someone's influence on your life bother you or activate your spirit of pettiness, what does it look like to confront your feelings and resolve them inwardly (through prayer and Godly counsel) and then reconcile with everyone else involved.

Instead of breaking trust because yours was broken, how about spending some time alone to get your mind and heart 100% right.

Above all, focus on you.

Focusing on bettering yourself.

“When was the last time you updated, reassessed, and measured yourself against your goals for the next couple of months?”

You may have a grasp on who you are and what you stand for, but even the best of us get complacent, distracted, bored, or a combination of the three.

You are forever evolving. Challenge your beliefs and your way of living. When was the last time you updated, reassessed, and measured yourself against your goals for the next couple of months?  When was the last time you deliberately exposed yourself to something that expanded and challenged your thoughts? You've got to be selfish.

Instead of filling your calendar with every networking event and social, knowing it’s interfering with getting planted in your local church, (and that was one of your top priorities for this year) maybe you could extend your need to connect to the like-minded individuals within the walls of your church. 

Instead of being the Iyanla Vanzant of your friend group in an attempt to salvage others happiness when you know it's affecting yours, maybe you could respectably take a step back and enforce healthy boundaries.

Above all, focus on you.

Focusing on your future.

Who doesn't want to succeed? The path to success varies depending on your definition of success. I would argue defining this word is just as important as taking the time to know and refine the qualities that make you, you.  No one is ever going to be able to fight for your success harder than you, so it only makes sense to dedicate time and effort to make sure you're equipped to trek your individual path to success. You've got to be selfish.

Instead of religiously jetting home immediately after work due to exhaustion, maybe it's time to for a change in schedule, change of scenery, and change in mindset.

Instead of trying to be Roadtrip Roger, maybe it's time to save your money like you're trying to relocate and pursue your passion.

Above all, focus on you.

Rest your shoulders—you don't have to Atlas your way through life carrying the physical and emotional burdens of others at the cost of your own happiness.

You don't have to keep up with the social outgoings your friends and colleagues all seem to attend.

You don't have to be on every committee or in every group or organization.

You don't have to be on the road to wedding bells and honeymoons.

Don't overcommit. Don't overcompensate. Don't lie.

It's okay to focus on you. It's okay to spend some time alone. In fact, you should.

How are you saying no today?