On Why We Ought To Grow In Our Communication

Ps. No, Ghosting Is Not Okay. 

Neo hitting "the matrix" is undoubtedly one of the most recognized visual references of all time.

Never did I think emotionally "falling back" or ghosting would become a phenomenon of the same caliber. 

Ghosting can generally be described as a halt in communication or interaction, between two people in relationship (whether that’s in the beginning stages of dating, a full-blown romantic pairing, or a platonic friendship), and normally occurs when one party has realized they do not agree with the actions, words, or behaviors of the other party. In theory, falling back could be a productive action for your well being; but the fault in this theory is its root in passivity and non-permanence. 

Passivity.

So let’s chat. Say you’ve fallen back, right? If there’s a chance you still allow this person to influence your mood and emotions; and if that influence isn’t positive, then it’s not healthy.

Addressing that you care is the first step to freedom. Admitting this to yourself is often the hardest part. It's okay to be hurt, upset, and in your feelings, but you must decide what your next plan of action is going to be.

To fall back without communication because you're upset, hurt, or even simply ready to move on is not only inconsiderate to the other party but what about your own mental health? If you don't deal with the root of hurt, anger, or sadness now, you will deal with it later. 

Non-permanent. 

There is a difference between falling back and using your words to address a problem and ending a relationship or friendship. The latter requires communication, which allows for the start of whatever form of closure both parties may feel they need. Which, to me, is an act of true strength and consideration.

Temporarily falling back welcomes communication whenever one party feels strong enough to reach out to the other. This pick up in communication sets the precedent that communication and in some cases, whatever other activities that were previously fallen back from, are acceptable. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail and similarly, if you fail to communicate, you plan to fall for anything. Everyone copes differently. But for most, bobbling back and forth out of the life of another person can cause pain if the problem was never solved in the first place. 

Since Feeling Is First.

I’m not saying every situation needs an extended car ride to the tune of Drake. Or that every crush warrants an ice cream buffet. But "since feeling is first"*; feel. Don't get caught up in how you think you're supposed to feel, just feel. It’s easy to ignore your emotions and actions and barricade yourself with apathy. Which is the easy way out. Feel. Sort your emotions out. Forgive. And then move on with a purpose.

"For life's not a paragraph"* -- it is not constrained to perfect syntax, grammar, and punctuation; so it certainly won't always go as planned. "And death, I think is no parenthesis"*--you have one precious and wild life to live. So enjoy it. 

Easier said than done, but the healing that is about to come is worth it.

*quotes from "since feeling is first" by the great e.e. cummings 

On Why Saying “No” Doesn’t Make You Terrible: The 3 Part Defense of Selfishness

I’m learning the power of “No.” Maybe you should too.

If you're anything like me—in your twenties and in constant pursuit of a purpose driven life, then it's probably in your best interest to be a tad selfish, and I'm going to defend your selfishness.

Now don't get me wrong— I'm not advocating inconsideration, overt disrespect, dishonesty, nor disloyalty. I believe in WWJD (yes, what would Jesus do), the golden rule, positivity, good vibes, self-reflection, and bottomless mimosas via Saturday Brunch; but the one thing I feel we often leave out of our lives is the genuine pursuit of unshakeable joy. And that pursuit takes time. Selfish alone time.

Unshakeable joy is marked by an undeniable and indisputable love, reverence, and understanding of yourself. Followed closely by selflessly caring and putting others before yourself, honestly walking in your faith and/or moral code, and allowing little to no deliberate interferences with your happiness.

Jerrica in Miami, Florida March 2018. The very act of taking this vacation caused me to write this post. Why do we think we're not worthy of time off? Able to say no? Worth the wait?

I know many of us are still trying to start our Year of Yes (thank you, Shonda, girl!), but perhaps this needs to be a Year of learning the power of No.

So why do we feel so terrible saying no? No to meetings when we know we’ve scheduled zero personal time. No to phone calls that interfere with/ or run past our business hours. No to dates with people we have no business entertaining. No to friendships and relationships that we know we can’t steward well based on our current emotional status.

Is it that our fear of saying no is rooted in expectations?

Luckily, you control other people's expectations through communication and actions. Be honest and be true. Maybe saying yes isn't in your cards for today, tomorrow, or this season. And here's a couple reasons I'm willing to stand behind:

1) you're finding yourself

2) you're focusing on bettering yourself

3) you're focusing on your future

Finding yourself.

Our individual truth cannot be unearthed if we don't take the time to dig into our past experiences. (Pro tip: invite God into this.) We can't be in a position to say yes if we don't take the time to develop, heal, reflect, process, and outgrow the impression others have inflicted upon us. Conversely, we can't say yes until we've forgiven ourselves for the stress we may have put others through.

Invest in yourself. Dig deep into what you want out of life. What are you passionate about and why? What are your core beliefs? What is your mission statement for your life and how are your actions pointing back to it? You've got to be selfish.

Instead of letting someone's influence on your life bother you or activate your spirit of pettiness, what does it look like to confront your feelings and resolve them inwardly (through prayer and Godly counsel) and then reconcile with everyone else involved.

Instead of breaking trust because yours was broken, how about spending some time alone to get your mind and heart 100% right.

Above all, focus on you.

Focusing on bettering yourself.

“When was the last time you updated, reassessed, and measured yourself against your goals for the next couple of months?”

You may have a grasp on who you are and what you stand for, but even the best of us get complacent, distracted, bored, or a combination of the three.

You are forever evolving. Challenge your beliefs and your way of living. When was the last time you updated, reassessed, and measured yourself against your goals for the next couple of months?  When was the last time you deliberately exposed yourself to something that expanded and challenged your thoughts? You've got to be selfish.

Instead of filling your calendar with every networking event and social, knowing it’s interfering with getting planted in your local church, (and that was one of your top priorities for this year) maybe you could extend your need to connect to the like-minded individuals within the walls of your church. 

Instead of being the Iyanla Vanzant of your friend group in an attempt to salvage others happiness when you know it's affecting yours, maybe you could respectably take a step back and enforce healthy boundaries.

Above all, focus on you.

Focusing on your future.

Who doesn't want to succeed? The path to success varies depending on your definition of success. I would argue defining this word is just as important as taking the time to know and refine the qualities that make you, you.  No one is ever going to be able to fight for your success harder than you, so it only makes sense to dedicate time and effort to make sure you're equipped to trek your individual path to success. You've got to be selfish.

Instead of religiously jetting home immediately after work due to exhaustion, maybe it's time to for a change in schedule, change of scenery, and change in mindset.

Instead of trying to be Roadtrip Roger, maybe it's time to save your money like you're trying to relocate and pursue your passion.

Above all, focus on you.

Rest your shoulders—you don't have to Atlas your way through life carrying the physical and emotional burdens of others at the cost of your own happiness.

You don't have to keep up with the social outgoings your friends and colleagues all seem to attend.

You don't have to be on every committee or in every group or organization.

You don't have to be on the road to wedding bells and honeymoons.

Don't overcommit. Don't overcompensate. Don't lie.

It's okay to focus on you. It's okay to spend some time alone. In fact, you should.

How are you saying no today?